


Talking to myself

by MyCatsAreMyLife



Series: What goes in my head [2]
Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode 2x08, First dinner at Ciro's, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 15:45:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14216457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyCatsAreMyLife/pseuds/MyCatsAreMyLife
Summary: After that disastrous first dinner at Ciro's, Alfred and Edward struggles with their feelings and a battle is formed in their minds!





	Talking to myself

**Author's Note:**

> It settles during episode 2x08, after the first dinner at Ciro’s and is referring to what possibly Alfred and Edward thought about the events.

Edward has harshly left the restaurant and, holding back the tears of sadness, angry, shame and disappointment, went straight back home, not daring even look to anyone in his way. Once in his chambers, he threw himself on the bed, face over the pillows, and gave his tears full course. In his mind, Alfred’s words still echoing.

‘An _indiscretion_! Is that what you think about our relationship, _Lord_ Alfred?! An _indiscretion_! Nothing more than an _indiscretion_! This is the word you would use to describe what happens between us!? An _indiscretion_! Maybe for you, _Lord_ Alfred! Maybe for you… What a fool I made of myself in front of you tonight!’

And at that moment, in his mind, his self-critic side started to attack:

‘Yes, a fool, Edward Drummond! You were just a fool! That is what you were this evening. That is what _you are_! There you were, all happy, telling to the love of your life that you wanted to be just his, that he is the only one you loved and because of this you didn’t want to get married to anyone else! That it wouldn’t be right! Trying to tell him that _everything_ what happen in Scotland was special, was magical, was the best thing that ever happened in your life and that you _wanted to live that again_ , you wanted to live that _forever_ … What did you get from this, Mister Edward Drummond? What did you get? You have opened your very soul in front on him, expecting that a big smile would spread in that beautiful (oh so beautiful!) face! That he would be happy hearing from you that you wouldn’t get married anymore! What did you get instead? _How dramatic you are, Drummond!_ Dramatic! He said you were being dramatic! _You are not thinking clearly, Drummond_.  Not thinking clearly! That was the answer you got! Congratulations, Edward! To Alfred, you are like a child who cannot decide what do with its own life! _You cannot ruin your career_ , or whatever he said about it! And there you were, ready to throw away your career in a heartbeat! For him! You are a fool, Edward Drummond! That is what you are!’

‘But, how could I even suspect he would react that way? Weren’t his eyes so full of love the other day, in the park? Wasn’t he as happy as myself in Scotland days ago? Wasn’t he who invited me to dinner, to have _oyster and champagne_? Wasn’t he so perfect dressed this evening ( _oh, God, he was so handsome, even more than he already is!_ ) just to meet me? He always got so upset every single time he heard me or anyone else talking about my engagement! Yes, I thought he would be happy! I had reasons to think that! Why would he react that way? He sounded so determinate... Why? Oh God, perhaps he had some motivation for that… And I left him there, alone. I did not give him any chance to explain his reasons…’

‘For God’s sake, Edward! What reason could he possibly have to treat you like a stupid child!?  He owes you an explanation, yes! But, first of all, he owes you an apology! Do not run to him without a retraction from him! Do not make fool of yourself again! If he truly loves you, he will come after you!’

“Oh God! I am getting crazy!”

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Drummond had left the restaurant, leaving Alfred sitting awkwardly alone at the table just when the waiter arrived bringing those famous oysters! He quickly made an excuse and left the restaurant too, going straight to his quarters at the Palace. That definitely wasn’t what he had imagined for that night! Coming back early, alone and angry to himself and to the whole world! No, his plans were quite different!

Alfred threw himself in the bed, on his back, fully clothed, staring at the ceiling. Angrily he took off his boots, throwing them away to a corner.  He stayed that way, thinking; his own mind fighting:

‘You are an idiot, Alfred. You are an idiot, definitely! Seriously, why would you talk to Edward in such a harsh way?! Yes, you were shocked when he told you about breaking off the engagement, I got it; you became afraid of a scandal, I got that too! It is even reasonable, I know that. But it do not justify the way you _exposed that to him_! You made he believe that _to you_ what happened between you two in Scotland was a mere indiscretion! Nothing important at all! Is that what you feel, Lord Alfred Paget!? Is it?! How could you?! How dared you?!  You had no right to talk to him that way! He was ready to give up everything if it was necessary to be _with you_! He is so honest, so good, so unique, that he would rather lose everything he so hardly built because he couldn’t considerate to live a life of lies, being married without loving the wife! Because he loves _you_! You, your idiot! How did you react to that? You threw in his face your sensible lines: _How dramatic you are, Drummond!_ _You are not thinking clearly, Drummond!_ Really? Really, Alfred Paget? Is like this that one respond for such a demonstration of love, from the man _you love_? What did you expected he would do in that moment? Just accept that? Seriously? He has a heart inside his chest! Not only that, he has pride! He has self-respect! He would not be treated like a child, a stupid child without own will, and just accept that! Of course not! I am afraid you have just lost him! Congratulations, Lord Alfred Paget!’

‘I know I did not behaved properly with him this evening, I accept it. I see this now! But I was afraid! Just before I left the Palace, Miss Coke came with a tale about David and Jonathan. _A love surpassing women_ , she said. Coincidence? I would hardly believe that! What if she suspect anything? What if she has _seen_ something? We were not exactly _discrete_ in Scotland! That already made me leave the Palace feeling uncomfortable, then he told me about breaking off the engagement! Miss Coke knows Edward’s fiancé, they are friends, surely they would ended up talking about this and would be need just put two and two together to everyone find out about us! And even if it never happens, obviously his fiancé’s father wouldn’t accept the end of the engagement! He has connections, and Drummond is still young, he easily could destroy his career! I don’t want that! I want Edward to be successful. He loves his career. Of course it will break my heart if he get married... Deeply in my heart I don’t want it, I want him to be with me, _only with me_ , forever!  Behind my cold face at the dinner I was glad to hear him... But I could not let him notice that... He needed to understand that it could not happen. Exactly because I love him so much, I couldn’t let him risk himself that way…’

‘Well, you still need to apologise with him! There is no other way for him to know what goes in your head if you do not tell him!’

“Oh God! I believe I’ve just lost my mind!”

 


End file.
